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Dateline:  Washington, D.C.

I just can’t help feeling that we need to do something for ex-Congressman Eric Massa, the recently resigned Representative from New York State.  You know, something like a going away present.  I’m going to pass the hat on-line and take up a collection so that we can give him a fond memento of his brief days here in the Capitol sin-city.  What I have in mind is not all that expensive, and I am convinced that it will give him many days of bliss.  Yes, I am talking about the Tickle Me Elmo doll that was all the rage just a few Happy Holidays ago.

Think back to those times when you had to scramble to find one of these bright red Elmos.  There were riots at the stores, with people being slugged and trampled in the race to make a purchase.  Those days are long past us, and we now have the convenience of buying things on-line, easily purchased on e-Bay or Amazon.com

I have never actually seen one of the previously-most-sought-after toys, but according to Wikipedia, “when squeezed, Elmo would chortle.  When squeezed three times in a row, Elmo would begin to shake and laugh hysterically.”

So why would we want to give such a gift to the estimable Mr. Massa?  Might it have something to do with the brouhaha that ended his political career due to a propensity-to-tickle behavior that was directed at male members of his Congressional staff?

It was a few days ago that I read in the Washington Post that Mr. Massa had announced his resignation from Congress, with the report indicating that he was going to be investigated by the House Ethics Committee.  According to information that Mr. Massa gave to the media, he had used bad words, curse words, scatological vocabulary, in his office, in front of his staff.   In addition, the issue of his health was raised, given that he had in the past been treated for lymphoma.

It made sense that if his health had deteriorated, he might want to resign.  But uttering profanity?  Cut me a break.  If the Ethics Committee was going to begin an official inquiry based on such a minor travesty as foul-language usage, it would seem to be an absurd waste of time.  It just didn’t make any sense whatsoever, a real stretch of the imagination.

Okay, you were a bad boy, Eric.  Even though you served on a Navy ship in the past and used a lot of salty language, you will need to have your mouth washed out with soap, we can all agree on that, but an ethics investigation for such trifling behavior?   Sorry Eric, we’re certainly not buying that story.

Has anyone in the history of Congress ever resigned for cursing?  Has Hell frozen over?

And sure enough, as the days went by, we learned much more as to the likely truth that would explain why the freshman Representative cut and ran quite quickly.  It seems the married gentleman was fond of interacting with male members of his staff, as he has said, by “tickling them until they couldn’t breathe,” with a little touching in inappropriate places thrown in for good measure.  It appears that some of his staff were getting increasingly uncomfortable with this unsolicited behavior, and it got reported to the Ethics Committee.

Here we have the U.S. Congress grappling with a momentous piece of legislation involving health care, while the gentleman from New York is busy groping his staff.  He wants to tickle them, grope them, all the while living in a townhouse with bachelor members of his staff while conducting his legislative duties in D.C.  .

Reports soon surfaced that the Demon-Rum had loosened Mr. Massa’s lips when he was at a raucous wedding and spurted out his suggestion that he should be fracking one of his male staffers.  Fracking?  What the heck is fracking supposed to mean?  I know that I am of the getting-older generation, but fracking is a new one on me.  Trying to put some logic to this, the only thing that makes sense is that fracking=fucking.  Nothing else is remotely plausible.  How nice, a Congressman making sexual advances to young staff members.

Turns out that his sexual inclinations go way back to his Navy days.  Men who were serving with him at the time also report groping, this time in the bunks, with the allegation that one of Mr. Massa’s shipmates was at one time awakened by Mr. Massa trying to pull down his pants so as to “snorkel” him.  Here we go again.  Snorkel him; a phrase with which I am not familiar, but darn if it doesn’t seem to decidedly be a euphemism for  oral sex.  If any of you Dear Readers have any other explanation for fracking or snorkeling, please let me know, but as usual, a little research on the web and I found a little something to help us understand:

Larry:  "Are you gay?"

Eric:   “Here’s the answer.  I’m not going to answer that.”

Thus quoted is the exchange that reportedly took place between Larry King and ex-Representative Massa during one of his televised interviews.  I would say that Mr. Massa doesn’t really have to answer that, as the pattern of his actions does so for him.  You can’t help but feel more than a little sad for the man when he has to conjure up all sorts of lies to deflect from the real reason for resigning his position.   Blaming his health, blaming the White House, blaming Nancy Pelosi, blaming a naked Rahm Emanuel, blaming everything and everyone except himself for not being able to come to grips with his own sexuality.

Of course the man is gay.  But being gay is not the point.  His sexual orientation, whether heterosexual, gay, or bi-sexual, is entirely up to him, and I think the vast majority of people are not bothered by his struggle to find his bearings.  The problem is in making inappropriate sexual advances towards your staff members, and this admonition would be the same if he had hit on females.

So come on, let’s pool our money and buy one of the Tickle Me Elmo dolls from E-bay; thus, Mr. Massa can tickle Elmo to his heart’s delight.  And if we really want to go overboard, we can get a TME.  In other words, a Tickle Me Extreme.  No joke, the extreme model, again according to Wikipedia, “rolls around on the floor laughing and smashing his fist on the ground, begging for the tickler to stop.”  No mention, however, if fracking is included.

But perhaps best of all we can find Mr. Massa a full-sized costume to wear when he wants to tickle and frack with his friends.  This way he can at least take out his costume, even if he prefers to remain hidden within.

I hope Mr. Massa enjoys his new toys on his way out: out of office, but not yet out of closet.